Bored, angry and only marginally intelligent.
Seems like every day after lunch, I can barely keep myself awake. I’m sitting here staring at a spreadsheet in Gnumeric and I keep pulling that whole bobble-head maneuver over and over again. Surely there is some way to keep this from happening every stinking day… then again, maybe the Mexicans have it right with that whole siesta thing. Somehow, though, I don’t think my boss would go for that.
The other night, after being confronted with a refrigerator full of nothing but beer and condiments, I was trying to plan a trip to the grocery store. For me, this is typically a very haphazard thing and occurs in one of about three distinct situations. Usually, I’m either:
But recently I’ve become somewhat interested in keeping a stocked kitchen. This happened for a variety of reasons, which I won’t detail here, but there was a problem. I knew the limited subset of items I liked to have around, but past that… I had no idea what a well stocked kitchen could contain. Enter my mother, who in her infinite wisdom and forethought gave me a (very complete and thorough) Betty Crocker cookbook when I moved out of her house. The specific cookbook I own details the items that should be present in a well stocked kitchen (it is by no means exhaustive, but it is pretty thorough, as you’ll see).
Using this as a basis, I drug Jon to the grocery store to help me fill out the list. It was quite a lot, if I’m honest. Probably $150 worth of food which I subsequently had trouble cramming into the meager cabinet space of my apartment. This was great… I had things around and could make whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without having to leave the apartment. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long.
I had reached a point where the things I had left weren’t really usable without something else. Rather than make a trip to the grocery store, I’d usually just go pick something up from a local restaurant or even do without on occasion. For whatever reason, the other night, I decided it was time to restock. Remembering what a chore it was to copy down the entire shopping list from my cookbook, I decided to make an electronic copy so that I could print one out whenever needed, cross off what I already have and head to the store to get the rest.
This, as you may guess, was slightly tedious and time consuming. But, I did it and I think it’s pretty useful so I thought I’d share it with you. It’s just a generic list of things you’d likely want to keep around, and I hope you find it useful. There’s both a 3 column PDF that’s perfect for printing out and carrying with you to the store and a plain html list (after the break, hit the “read” link down there) that you can copy and paste into whatever you intend to use.
I’ve been sitting here clicking through pages with StumbleUpon for quite a while now. I also subscribe to the Linux/Unix feed over at Digg, and it seems like it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen something new. It seems like every other page is either a table of Windows/Linux equivalent software or the top however many packages to install on clean Ubuntu install. Maybe I’ve just be into it for long enough that this information doesn’t seem useful to me, but I really think it’s approaching absurd levels of redundancy.
Eh, I’m probably just being overly negative. I just want something interesting to read for a change. Come to think of it, can we please do away with the “Top 10…” thing all together? It’s pretty played out and annoying at this point. Just like the overuse of the adjective “quietly” in headlines. Just take a look at Digg or Google News. “Apple quietly intros this…” “Microsoft quietly does that…” Please, stop.
Over the past couple weeks I’ve been working on a song. Not one of my own, mind you, so no reason to get excited or anything, but it was interesting nonetheless. Jon recorded a band a while back (I’ll refrain from naming them here, but they sound kind of like a mix between AC/DC and the Toadies… with more sexual innuendo, if that’s possible) and asked me if I’d do a completely stereotypical and distasteful dance remix of one of the songs. I’d love to!
See, I haven’t really worked on music much lately. I got burned out on it pretty bad after I moved to Nashville, and it wasn’t really enjoyable for a long time. I’ve worked on a few little things, mostly tuning vocals for a song here and there, but nothing really big. In the midst of this gigantic hiatus, some interesting things have happened. Namely, the release of REAPER. Ever since I heard about it, I’ve been dying to get the chance to do some real work with it. This remix was perfect for finally getting to dig in and start learning some of the nuts and bolts.
The workstation I’m using is an Athlon FX62, 2GB of RAM… it normally runs Ubuntu Linux and works as a home theater PC. But, for working with REAPER, I needed Windows. Thankfully, some months ago when I set the computer up, I had enough foresight to know I would want to do this and installed Windows Vista. Now, Vista was not my first choice. I wanted to install Windows XP. Unfortunately, Windows XP needs a driver floppy for my SATA controller. Not only do I not have the driver floppy for it, I don’t have the floppy drive to put it in. So, XP thinks I don’t have any hard drives. That leaves me with Windows Vista. And really, it wasn’t that bad. I used it to play through Call of Duty 4 (which, incidentally, is the greatest game ever in the history of everything) and a few other things aside from playing around with REAPER.
Fast forward to last week, when I started working on the remix. I was having fun, learning my way around REAPER, exercising some musical creativity and whatnot. Everything was good. Until yesterday that is. Yesterday, Jon came over to hang out while I finished the track up (I was going to turn it in today). As it turns out, Microsoft pushed out an update for Vista that locked my computer into an endless cycle of reboots. Turn the computer on, it says something like “Installing updates state 3 of 3 0%” or something and then reboots. Microsoft have not offered a fix other than to reinstall Windows. How ridiculous is that? They pushed out an official update that kills who knows how many thousands of people’s computers and essentially all they can say is, “Oops.” Needless to say, the song wasn’t finished. I haven’t quite decided what to do with the 45GB of new hard drive space I have now that I obliterated that Vista partition. Maybe you have some suggestions.
I’ve always had a distaste for Microsoft products, but I would use them as a necessary evil to partake of some of my favorite software… things like REAPER and CoD4. But, not anymore. I’ll just run REAPER in Wine from now on and if I want to play games, I’ll buy a PS3 or a Wii. Microsoft will not be getting any more of my money.
There’s also a Yahoo News article on my issue if you’d like to read a little bit more about it.
It looks like the news media is gearing up for a big push for tighter gun control. I’m not sure if this is due to the Heller vs. DC case or the upcoming presidential election (in which there is no candidate who is markedly strong on 2nd amendment rights), or maybe both. Either way it doesn’t look good.
In order to try and salvage a little bit of good humor from the situation, and try to keep our spirits up in the face of whatever may be coming, have a look at this gem I found posted elsewhere on the net. I think back to this and chuckle any time I read a story on gun violence in the news. Just head over to Google News and search for “gunman,” and you’ll find plenty of examples that adhere fervently to the “suggestions” put forth below (albeit satirically). Anyway, here you go:
The Journalist’s Guide to Gun Violence Coverage
Guns are a sad fact of life in American culture and are a major topic in modern journalism. A good Journalist has a duty to get involved and make a difference in this important societal debate. By following certain guidelines, the concerned Journalist can be assured of having the maximum impact on this shameful problem.
The first principle to remember is that subtle use of terminology can covertly influence the reader. Adjectives should be chosen for maximum anti-gun effect. When describing a gun, attach terms like “automatic,” “semi-automatic,” “large caliber,” “deadly,” “high powered,” or “powerful”. Almost any gun can be described by one or more of these terms. More than two guns should be called an “arsenal”.
Try to include the term “assault weapon” if at all possible. This can be combined with any of the terms above for best results. Nobody actually knows what an assault weapon is, so you cannot be criticized for this usage. Your local anti-gun organization can provide you with a list of the latest buzz words like “junk guns,” “Saturday Night Specials,” and “the criminal’s weapon of choice”.
Don’t worry about getting technical details right. Many a reporter has accidentally written about semi-automatic revolvers or committed other minor errors. Since most people know little about guns, this is not a problem. Only the gun nuts will complain and they don’t count. The emotional content of your article is much more important than the factual details, since people are more easily influenced through their emotions than through logic.
Broadcast Journalists should have a file tape showing a machine gun firing on full automatic. Run this video while describing “automatic” weapons used in a crime or confiscated by police. At the least, a large graphic of a handgun should be displayed behind the on-air personality when reading any crime story.
Do not waste words describing criminals who use guns to commit crimes. Instead of calling them burglar, rapist, murderer, or repeat offender, simply use the term “gunman”. This helps the public associate all forms of crime and violence with the possession of guns.
Whenever drug dealers are arrested, guns are usually confiscated by the police. Mention the type and number of guns more prominently than the type and quantity of drugs. Include the number of rounds of ammunition seized, since the number will seem large to those who know little about guns. Obviously, the drug dealers who had the guns should now be called “gunmen”.
Political discussions on gun control legislation usually involve pro-gun organizations. Always refer to these organizations as “the gun lobby”. If space permits, mention how much money the gun lobby has spent to influence political campaigns and describe their legislative lobbying efforts as “arm twisting” or “threats”.
Gun owners must never be seen in a positive light. Do not mention that these misguided individuals may actually be well educated, or have respectable jobs and healthy families. They should be called “gun nuts” if possible or simply gun owners at best. Mention details about their clothing, especially if they are wearing hunting clothes or hats. Mention the simplistic slogans on their bumper stickers to show that their intelligence level is low. Many gun owners drive pickup trucks, hunt and live in rural areas. Use these details to help portray them as ignorant rednecks. Don’t use the word “hunt”. Always say that they “kill” animals.
Don’t be afraid to interview these people, they are harmless even though we don’t portray them that way. Try to solicit comments that can be taken out of context to show them in the worst possible light.
Never question the effectiveness of gun control laws or proposals. Guns are evil and kill people. Removing guns from society can only be good. Nobody really uses guns for legitimate self-defense, especially women or children. Any stories about armed self-defense must be minimized or suppressed.
Be careful about criticizing the police for responding slowly to 911 calls for help. It is best if the public feels like the police can be relied upon to protect them at all times. If people are buying guns to protect their families, you are not doing your job.
Emphasize stories where people kill family members and/or themselves with guns. It is important to make the public feel like they could lose control and start killing at any moment if they have a gun in the house. Any story where a child misuses a gun is front page material.
View every shooting as an event to be exploited. Always include emotional quotes from the victim’s family if possible. If they are not available, the perpetrator’s family will do nicely. The quote must blame the tragedy on the availability of guns. Photos or video of grieving family members are worth a thousand facts. Most people will accept the assertion that guns cause crime. It is much easier than believing that some people deliberately choose to harm others.
Your story should include terms like “tragic” or “preventable” and mention the current toll of gun violence in your city or state. Good reporters always know exactly how many gun deaths have occurred in their area since the first of the year. List two or three previous incidents of gun violence to give the impression of a continuing crime wave.
Little space should be devoted to shootings where criminals kill each other. Although these deaths greatly inflate the annual gun violence numbers, they distract from the basic mission of urging law abiding citizens to give up their guns. Do not dig too deeply into the reasons behind shootings. The fact that a gun was involved is the major point, unless someone under 18 is affected, in which case the child angle is now of equal importance.
Any article about gun violence should include quotes from anti-gun organizations or politicians. One quote should say that we must do something “for the children”. Anti-gun spokespersons should be called “activists” or “advocates”. If your employer wishes to appear unbiased, you can include one token quote from a gun lobby group to show that you are being fair. The anti-gun statements should be accepted as fact. The gun lobby statement can be denigrated by including text like, “according to gun lobbyist Jones.”
Fortunately, statements from anti-gun organizations come in short sound bites that are perfect for generating an emotional response in the reader or viewer. Gun lobby statements usually contain boring facts that are easy to ignore.
Feel secure in your advocacy journalism. The vast majority of your fellow Journalists support your activism. The nation will be a better place when only the police and military have guns. Remember that you are doing it for the children so the end justifies the means.
Eventually, the government will have a monopoly on power. Don’t worry about the right to freedom of the press, just contact me then for more helpful hints.
Professor Michael Brown
School of Journalism, Brady Chair
Vancouver College of Liberal ArtsPolitical Satire, copyright 1999, Michael Brown. May be reproduced freely in its full and complete form. The author may be contacted at mb@e-z.net
And for another bit of funny, let’s all have a good belly laugh at Carolyn McCarthy’s complete ignorance of things she wishes to legislate:
That’s it for today… tune in next week when I plan to repost the rest of the internet.