davehayes.org

the past week or so have been kind of rough around these parts. i can’t really find any language to accurately describe it, other than to say that social situations are becoming increasingly more frustrating for me. i’m struggling with finding the root of the issue, as the problems of every day life tend to complicate whatever deeper issues may be going on. couple that with emotionally clouded judgement and very little direction in one’s day to day happenings (as well as an admittedly lacking devotional life) and we have one slightly confused individual.

i don’t know about some of you, but i have a tendency to try to set up little bargains with God. almost delivering an ultimatum, which in retrospect is completely stupid, but seems reasonable at the time (as sin always does). “i’ve been good lately, abstaining from x sin for a couple days now,” i’ll say. “perhaps you could reward me by making the attractive young lady at church a little more interested in me…” then of course this doesn’t happen. i find myself at home feeling bitter, as if God some how let me down or didn’t hold up his end of the bargain (which to type the words out, they sound like lies from the mouth of satan himself; and they are), and in that moment of frustration decide to myself, “well if that’s how i’m going to be rewarded, i might as well just continue on in my sin.”

what a scary thought process. as i sit here now writing about it, it seems completely absurd and appalling, yet in a few days i can almost guarantee to you that i will fall into it in some capacity. and as usual, i’ll later come to my senses and realize how foolish my decisions were and try to let go of that sin again, only to start the cycle over again. the weekly rejection (whether it be actual or simply perceived, which is a whole other issue in itself) of the young lady at church that i might fancy doesn’t help matters in the least. it’s like this huge swirling quagmire of un-biblical ideas and expectations of God, un-biblical ideas about relationships and a misunderstanding ultimately of who i am in Christ and what that means.

i can’t help but feel completely ensnared at this point, and i’m about to go dig into the book of james, some prayer time and counsel with friends in search of some answers. hopefully tomorrow i’ll have some positive commentary to make.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005 at 10:55 pm and is filed under faith, life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.