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1. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
2. Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, “I have them right where I want them.”
3. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
4. If Jack Bauer’s gun jams, it’s because he wanted to beat you with it.
5. Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a “knock knock” joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
6. If everyone on “24″ followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12″.
7. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
8. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
9. A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
10. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
11. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
12. There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
13. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s f***ing beef.
14. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
15. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f***ing hates lemonade.
16. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
17. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
18. The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
19. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
20. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
21. RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it’s what Edgar would have wanted.
22. Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don’t ask how he did it, he’s f***ing Jack Bauer.
23. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
24. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
25. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

1. It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.
2. Jack doesn’t believe in Murphy’s Law, only Bauer’s Law: “Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours.”
3. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
4. In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
5. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
6. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
7. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
8. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
9. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
10. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
11. Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a ‘Jack Bauer’. He received three shots of Jack Daniel’s, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
12. When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, “Previously, on 24…”
13. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f*** have you done with your life?
14. Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
15. Jack Bauer doesn’t speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
16. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can’t believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
17. Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
18. The truth may hurt, but it doesn’t hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
19. Jack Bauer doesn’t take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
20. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
21. On Jack’s day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they’d prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to “grow up”. Good times… good times.
22. Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
23. When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
24. Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
25. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f***ing do it.
26. Jack Bauer wasn’t born, he was unleashed.
27. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
28. In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn’t around?
29. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
30. Jack’s execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa.
31. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer".
32. Don’t ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He’ll explain in the car.
33. Jack would never have given up the wet list… no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
34. Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: “Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day.”
35. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.
36. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn’t have to bear witness to what he’d do to Nina.
37. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
38. Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re f***ing dead.”
39. In high school Jack Bauer was voted “Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid”… and “Best Eyes.”
40. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
41. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
42. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
43. If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
44. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, “You’re in good hands with Jack Bauer”.
45. “Jack Bauer” is Arabic for “I’m f***ed”.
46. Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
47. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
48. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
49. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
50. My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was “just a television character”. We are now orphans.
51. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
52. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
53. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
54. Never use the phrase, “I feel half dead,” around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
55. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
56. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
57. One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven’t been robbed since.
58. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
59. Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
60. Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
61. Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
62. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards “The Man of Year*”, there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, ” *besides Jack Bauer.”
63. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
64. The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn’t matter.
65. When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
66. All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
67. Jack Bauer is the ‘i’ in team.
68. Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
69. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
70. If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn’t be an accident.
71. During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
72. Dr House once told Jack Bauer that “House” could kick 24′s ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
73. Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests…. Jack Bauer doesn’t associate with anything that is #2.
74. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
75. After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006 at 10:33 am and is filed under humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.